I’m not so foolish as to think my recovery was iron-clad, but I was convinced I had a good thing going. I’ve been walking in freedom for several years, ministering to others who are struggling with eating disorders. For all practical purposes I have been there, done that, and quite literally “wrote the book on it”. But, Paul warned in 1 Corinthians 10:12, “Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall.” I may have let my guard down.
My life hasn’t been all sunshine and roses for the past few years, but God has been generous. He has healed and strengthened my marriage, filled me with hope, and given me many opportunities. Recovery became a habit, for lack of a better expression. In this predictable phase of life, I learned how to eat well, exercise moderately, and control my thoughts. But what happens when life as you know it falls apart?
Last weekend, my husband deployed to Liberia. Every familiar aspect of my life flew overseas with him. Much of what I’ve relied on to be a standard part of my healthy life just crumbled from underneath me. Suddenly, I saw the ugly image of relapse lurking in the shadows. Praise the Lord, I didn’t engage in any eating-disordered behaviors, but the swirling thoughts of exercise, calories, and compulsion swamped me. It felt like a war had erupted in my brain; a battle for control of my soul.
Why did the old patterns of eating disorder thoughts assail me right now? What triggered them? When all that was familiar was stripped away, when my heart was exposed to pain and stress, I believe it searched for a means to distract me from the hurt. By swarming my mind with compulsive thoughts, the absence of my husband’s presence didn’t feel as piercing.
But here’s the thing, feeling that pain is much safer than the eating disorder. Sitting among the shards of sadness is more healing than allowing our minds to be swept away by the distraction of an eating disorder or other addiction. In the course of the battle, I acquired three weapons for fighting off relapse and will share them here:
Run away
Weakened by the battle in my mind, I forced myself to keep a commitment to visit the local hospital with my therapy dog. Miraculously, the very moment I entered the hospital, fleeing from a focus on myself and my pain, I found great relief. Second Timothy 2:22 says, “Flee youthful lusts”. The word for lust here goes far beyond the usual application of sexual cravings. More accurately, it means any desire, craving, or longing for what is forbidden. I believe this applies to my sudden desire to return to the familiar thoughts of anorexia. My natural longing is to relieve the pain of my husband’s absence in the quickest way possible, even if that is running back to the arms of a deadly foe. Getting outside of yourself, running far and fast from oppressive, self-centeredness is a powerful way to reclaim the mind of Christ. (Phil. 2:5-6)
Drown it out
I’ve long known that music is like a healing balm for my soul, but I had forgotten just how powerful praise can be. On my way home from the hospital, I stopped to buy a small Bluetooth speaker. When I got home, I selected a worship station on Pandora and turned up the volume. Songs of hope, freedom, and praise filled the room. God’s presence became almost tangible as I reminded myself over and over, through songs, of His mercy and faithfulness. (Eph. 5:19)
Sleep it off
In the days leading up to my husband’s deployment, I didn’t sleep well. Whether simply from stress or soaking up those last waking hours together, my body was fatigued. During that initial afternoon, as compulsive thoughts inundated me, my mind felt scattered in all directions. I struggled to concentrate on anything, making it tempting to succumb to old, anorexic thoughts and allow them to consume me. It’s no secret to anyone that our minds get fuzzy and frazzled with lack of sleep. Finally, I forced myself to bed early enough to soak up more than eight hours of sleep (and I have a nap scheduled this afternoon). It’s amazing how different today feels than yesterday. The sun is brighter, my heart feels lighter and I’m looking forward to the rest of the week.
Perhaps none of these tips surprise you; they don’t seem profound to me either. However, weakened by stress, I immediately became vulnerable to the same old habits of self-protection and distraction from pain. It can happen to anyone if we think we stand firm, we run the risk of falling flat on our faces. Whether it be an eating disorder, another addiction, or any form of sin, Paul reminds us in Ephesians over and over to stand firm. We do have an enemy who is out to destroy us and he doesn’t care what it takes.
If you find yourself flirting with dangerous, consuming thoughts or tempted to find comfort in old habits, reach out quickly for these three tips. Run away from yourself, as far as you can from the battle in your brain. Don’t reason with it, just run away. Drown it out with praise and worship! Don’t forget the Bible says that God dwells in the praises of His people. You will find comfort and sense His presence when you remember to praise Him because He never leaves you. Sleep it off as well. After all, we are not made to be Energizer bunnies – rest is crucial. We weren’t made to run forever. God passionately cares about us, His intimate creations and He longs for us to listen to Him about how to tend our bodies.
We cannot win this battle on our own. We cannot maintain our freedom on our own. But, the Bible is God’s way of explicitly telling us that we can trust Him and find our complete healing in Him.
“It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep.“ Ps. 127:2
By Abby Kelly. Learn more about my book on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Predatory-Lies-Anorexia-Kelly-ebook/dp/B00HFGMBJA/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389645006&sr=8-1&keywords=predatory+lies.
