“My husband won’t lead our family in Bible study or prayer. He won’t even help discipline the children. What can I do?”
“Is your husband a Christian?” I asked.
“Oh, yes,” she replied.
“Have you talked with him about how you feel?”
“Yes. I’ve told him until I’m blue in the face that I need more support from him at home.”
Her frustration was understandable. She wasn’t asking for perfection. She wanted a husband who would participate more fully in the spiritual and practical responsibilities of their family.
But repeatedly telling someone what he should be doing doesn’t necessarily produce the change we hope for. Sometimes it creates defensiveness and turns an important conversation into another argument.
That doesn’t mean a wife should remain silent about what she needs. It means there may be a better way to have the conversation.
You Cannot Force Someone to Lead
If you want your husband to become more involved spiritually, begin by talking with him rather than continually telling him what he is doing wrong. Ask what prayer, Bible study, and spiritual leadership mean to him. Find out whether he feels uncertain about how to begin or whether something else is keeping him disengaged.
Some people grow up in homes where family prayer and Bible study are normal. Others don’t. A husband may sincerely believe in God and still feel awkward trying to lead a devotional or initiate spiritual conversations with his children.
That does not excuse indifference. A husband and father still has responsibilities toward his family. But understanding why he isn’t participating can be more productive than assuming why.
And ultimately, you cannot force another adult to become the person you believe he should be.
Don’t Put Your Own Faith on Hold
“What about the children?” she asked. “I have two rebellious teenagers who need their father’s guidance. Someone needs to counsel them.”
She was right about one thing: the children still needed guidance.
If your husband isn’t providing the spiritual leadership you hoped he would, that doesn’t mean you stop praying with your children, talking with them about God, or teaching them the values you believe are important.
Your relationship with your children does not have to become spiritually passive while you wait for your husband to change.
Teenagers especially need parents who will listen to them, establish appropriate boundaries, and remain involved in their lives. They need conversations about faith, choices, relationships, character, and the pressures they face.
If you are the parent currently willing to initiate those conversations, have them.
Leadership Is Not the Same as Control
One of the biggest misunderstandings surrounding Christian leadership in marriage is the idea that leadership means having authority over everyone else.
Jesus presented a very different model.
Christian leadership is rooted in service. It isn’t about demanding obedience, controlling a spouse or constantly reminding everyone who is in charge. A person leads through character, responsibility, sacrifice, and example.
A father leads when he makes time for his children, keeps his promises, admits when he is wrong, prays for his family, and helps create a home where faith can be discussed openly.
A mother leads when she teaches her children, establishes boundaries, models her faith, makes wise decisions, and serves her family with love.
Neither person’s contribution becomes insignificant because the other is struggling.
What If He Still Won’t Participate?
You can encourage your husband, invite him to participate, and explain what you need from him. What you cannot do is manufacture spiritual maturity for him.
His relationship with God belongs to him.
That distinction can be difficult when his choices affect the entire household. You may need legitimate conversations about parenting, discipline, and the division of responsibilities in your home. If those conversations continually end in conflict or nothing changes, consider seeking help from a qualified marriage counselor or a trusted pastor who understands healthy marriage dynamics.
Prayer also matters, but prayer should not become a substitute for honest communication or necessary action.
Pray for your husband. Encourage him. Give him room to grow. At the same time, continue being faithful in the responsibilities that belong to you.
The Leadership That Begins With Service
“What does spiritual leadership actually look like?” she eventually asked.
It begins with service.
First Peter 5:2–3 gives an important picture of leadership when it instructs those caring for God’s people to serve willingly rather than “lording it over” those entrusted to them, becoming examples instead.
Although that passage is addressed to church elders, the principle is worth remembering in the home: godly leadership is demonstrated by example.
A Christian husband does not become a spiritual leader merely because he is a husband. Leadership becomes visible in how he loves, serves, guides, and accepts responsibility. Likewise, a wife does not need to diminish her own wisdom, initiative, or spiritual influence for her husband to grow in his.
Marriage works best when neither spouse is trying to parent, control, or compete with the other.
If your husband has not become the spiritual leader you hoped he would be, you can encourage him without carrying responsibility for his choices. Continue nurturing your own relationship with God. Continue guiding your children. Continue communicating honestly about what your family needs.
And leave room for your husband to take responsibility for the kind of husband, father, and Christian he chooses to become.
Angie Lewis is the author of three books on marriage addressing topics including communication, forgiveness, adultery, addiction, family relationships, and spiritual life in the home.
