Sex with my spouse has become disappointing and boring

[dropcap]I[/dropcap]f sex has become boring, disappointing and downright awful, then this column is for you. I’ll bet your husband (or wife) is ready for a new beginning too.

“Let’s start over with sex.”

There. I gave you a way to start the conversation.

Good sex has three elements:

1. Spiritual. God created sex; He pronounced it good; it is for the benefit of both the man and the woman; and it is righteous and holy and intended for joy. It is one of God’s most wonderful gifts to us. It can be one of the most thoroughly enjoyable aspects of marriage. God can line up our sex life with His Word. It’s there for the asking–but most people don’t ask. Yes, we can ask God for good sex. And we should. Will you dare to take this matter before God?

2. Emotional. If you and your husband aren’t getting along, you’re not gonna have good sex. If there isn’t a foundation of love and respect, a woman will not feel free and secure enough to respond to her husband sexually. Husbands, take care to be considerate and kind to your wives. Simply put, you ain’t gettin’ none if you don’t. Not because we’re rebellious or unsubmitted, but because our bodies just shut down when we’re disrespected or mistreated.

3. Physical. Technique is more important than us spiritual folks want to admit. Husbands and wives have to get good at pleasing each other. It can take time to develop skills and knowledge of each other’s bodies. The truth is, a man can be physically satisfied at some level–a pretty minimal level, mind you–more easily than a woman. Her sexual response is just more complicated. It involves more of her body. But God made her that way. Sex is costly for women—but when it’s great, it’s fantastic. (Mrs. Happy secretly thinks it is better for women, but she will not know for sure till she gets to heaven.)

So, about technique. Mrs. Happy has observed that one of the biggest mistakes husbands and wives make is rushing right to intercourse. That’s like eating dessert for the first course. A lot of women don’t reach climax during intercourse–at least not easily.

Here’s a typical scenario: You have this guy who thinks doing the basic in-and-out is gonna do it for his wife just because of his wonderfulness–and she’s wondering why nothing is happening. But because he seems so into it, she never says anything. So the same sorry act is repeated again and again, and since she is seldom if ever physically satisfied, she just gets bored with the whole thing. Or worse, finds it incredibly annoying and awful.

Compounding the problem is that just about everyone starts out with the “missionary” position, which really should be considered advanced sex. Mrs. Happy thinks you should have to have a license to do it. Why? Because it’s probably the most difficult position for a man to control his response in. And he needs to do this for his wife to reach climax—slooooow down, brother. So, Mrs. Happy says, dispense with the ol’ man-on-top for a while unless it’s working for you. Back up.

Sex is really all about playing. It’s the adult version of play. It’s fun, it’s creative, it’s exciting–and you save the best for last. You work up to the good stuff–you don’t charge right in. If your wife isn’t experiencing climax during intercourse (ask her), it’s time to go backward.

Wives, let your husband get to know your body. Figure out how your body responds–and let him in on the learning experience. He’ll love it. First off, let him see you. That man finds you irresistible; the Word says your body belongs to him, and vice versa. Let him see all of you. Your husband is the one man in the world that you don’t need to be modest around—Mrs. Happy finds that to be very cool. Men are usually turned on by sight. So, make it a multimedia experience.

Instead of hurtling toward intercourse, have him touch you with his hands. Back rubs are really nice–mmm. Especially the lower back…then lower…you get the picture.

Men have a tough time learning how to touch a woman. They don’t realize how strong they are. Our bodies are different from theirs and so much more sensitive in so many places. Men are fascinated by it all, but the knowledge doesn’t come automatically. Take his hand in yours and guide him as he touches you. If that isn’t working, have him put his hand on yours as you touch yourself. There’s nothing wrong with that–it’s not masturbation, because you are doing it together, for the benefit of both of you. He will love learning with you–trust me.

Mrs. Happy has said it before, and she will say it again. Your husband wants nothing more than to please you sexually. That’s the biggest turn-on there is. Plus, if he pleases you, he’s gonna end up getting pleased a whole lot more himself. That’s what we call a win-win, sister.

It would be good for your husband to bring you to climax without intercourse at first, using his hands. You will learn where, when, and how your body responds, and you can provide feedback (“mmm” works quite well) to your husband so he can discover how better to please you. Then you can have intercourse for his benefit. In the Happy household, it ain’t over till everybody’s happy. We aim to please each other. (Be patient; it can take months for intercourse to work for both of you. Practice, practice.)

This being a family newspaper and all, Mrs. Happy can’t go into greater detail here. But these suggestions should help you get started on your way to satisfying sex.

(P.S. Pornography, sex toys, and pressure to perform disgusting sex acts are all a slap in the face to your wife or husband. While God has given husbands and wives great liberty in the bedroom, we are still commanded to keep the marriage bed undefiled. Hebrews 13:4.)

Mrs. Happy has been married to one man for a long time.  Mrs. Happy looks forward to your comments online—just keep it holy, y’all. Kindly leave your response in the comments section.