[dropcap]M[/dropcap]y husband wants to have sex all the time, and, truth be told, My husband isn’t satisfying me and I don’t enjoy it much at all. I find myself avoiding him at night. Sometimes I go to sleep early. I don’t seem to have much interest in sex, but he does, and I want to do what’s right. Help!!!
God created husbands and wives to be one (Genesis 2:24). He designed them for harmony: physically, emotionally, spiritually. When He created man and woman, He knew what He was doing. So Mrs. Happy always begins with the premise that a husband and wife can and will mesh sexually, with God’s help and with each other’s love and patience.
Mrs. Happy doesn’t believe that God created men to have monstrously larger sexual appetites than women, but she has observed, sadly, that this is a myth propagated by countless Christian books on marriage, with no basis whatsoever in Scripture.
Nope, He created us for oneness. He pronounced His creation “good.” Then sin entered the picture, and everything got messed up. Men and women began to use sex for selfish purposes, and it just so happens the stakes are much higher for women because of pregnancy.
Quite a few wives find themselves with diminished or completely absent sexual desire, especially after the initial thrill of marriage has worn off. Often by this time, sex has become a disappointing experience, and the wife feels like something is wrong with her because she doesn’t enjoy sex as much as her husband seems to.
The first thing we need to do is pray. God cares about every little detail of our lives. And since He created sex, He wants you to participate in the blessing He meant it to be. Mrs. Happy has taken it upon herself to pray for her loved ones’ sex lives—hey, someone’s gotta do it—but you can pray all by yourself and ask God to increase your desire for your husband, improve communication and understanding between the two of you, and bring mutual pleasure to the relationship. God will answer your prayer of faith, because your desire is to honor Him.
It will help to know the difference between men’s and women’s sex drives, and three main reasons why women lose interest in sex.
First, a woman’s sex drive is cultivated through good experiences with sex. It surges and remains strong when sex is physically satisfying, when there’s security in the marriage relationship, and when she trusts her husband enough to allow him to bring her to climax.
When a woman has had awful experiences with sex—because of rape, abuse, or sinful sexual relationships—her sex drive can be snuffed out altogether.
Even in a good marriage, her sex drive is a delicate thing. It is easily disrupted by harsh words, by anger (Mrs. Happy has observed that an angry man is the unsexiest man in the world), by external circumstances that make her feel less than secure.
Her sex drive waxes and wanes, based on her monthly cycle and its corresponding changes in hormonal levels. She is more interested in sex at some times (often, the few days surrounding ovulation and right before menstruation), less interested at other times.
A man’s sex drive, by contrast, is just kinda there all the time–unless he’s depressed, ill, preoccupied, or physically exhausted. From adolescence on, his body is continually producing sperm, and it builds up to the point where he’s physically uncomfortable and needs release. When he sees his wife, he sees relief. He’s good to go. He wants in.
All of this means that husbands and wives need to be considerate of each other, understand each other’s bodies and each other’s weaknesses, and exercise wisdom.
But in order to know how to pray targeted prayers and seek healing and restoration in the areas where you might need it, let’s look briefly at three major reasons why a wife would have little or no interest in sex, and what can be done about it.
1. Sex isn’t physically satisfying.
Would a man continually seek to have sex if it didn’t end in climax? Of course not. So why would it be any different for his wife?
Sure, she might put up with sex because she loves her husband and wants to do right by him, but she won’t be looking forward to the experience. Remember, her sex drive grows through good experiences with sex–and the anticipation of physical pleasure (read: climax).
Sex isn’t physically satisfying for many wives because their husbands don’t know what they’re doing (after all, he has never been a woman), and because their wives don’t give them enough information on how to arouse them and bring them to climax. Which isn’t a criticism of husband or wife—it’s just a common predicament.
When you get married, know that you’ll have to take time to learn how to please your spouse sexually. No matter how many experiences you’ve had with sex in the past, assume you’re on the short bus when it comes to your spouse. Ask questions; try different things; make no assumptions (and please don’t think it’ll work because you did it with some girlfriend back in your sinful days; there’s a good chance she was faking it, anyway). If you’ve been married for a while and aren’t experiencing satisfying sex, it’s time for a fresh start—which will be Mrs. Happy’s subject next month. Be encouraged and stay tuned.
2. She’s had bad experiences with sex.
Sexual trauma, such as abuse and rape–as well as guilt and regret from a sinful past, infidelity, and broken relationships–can cause destruction to a woman’s natural, healthy sex drive. If you have a good relationship with your husband, consider talking to him about it. He will be more understanding than you think, and will help you seek restoration through the healing touch of Jesus Christ and/or counseling. Above all, pray. God cares about your situation and longs to make you whole.
After you’ve received spiritual restoration, just know that you and your husband will still need to learn effective sexual practices that allow your body to respond as it’s designed to.
3. Someone’s messin’ with her hormones.
Believe it or not, birth control pills are a libido-killer for many women. They suppress the natural hormones and times of the monthly cycle that contribute to a woman’s sex drive. The pill could be a factor if you’re experiencing diminished interest in sex. Good old-fashioned barrier methods—e.g. condoms—might be better for you.
Mrs. Happy has been married to one man for a long time.