Question by reader:
All of a sudden, my husband wants me to step out of my comfort zone in bed and please him orally. That is out of bounds for me morally and spiritually. Is my refusal to please him this way a sign of being non-submissive?
Answer by mrs. happy
[dropcap]I[/dropcap]f you can’t do it with a clear conscience, don’t do it. You’re under no obligation to do something that you consider demeaning and sinful. To do so—even as an attempt to be submissive—would cause damage to your sexual relationship with your husband.
I am concerned that in just a little while, you would have no interest in sex at all. Why is this? Because we as women have a sex drive that is more easily disrupted than a man’s. I’m not saying it’s any less strong—it’s just different. We’re more sensitive to things like whether we feel respected in the bedroom. If we don’t feel respected, we shut down sexually. We can’t detach ourselves emotionally and just do it. Many women believe that oral sex—stimulating the man to the point of climax—is degrading. There are a lot of reasons we might feel this way.
For some of us, this is too close to our sinful past and bad experiences we had in the world. For others, it is that this particular sexual act is focused on one person and his pleasure—“It’s all about you.” It can make us feel like an object, instead of a person—much less a cherished wife. If our husband isn’t attentive to our sexual pleasure, it can also cause resentment. And, last but not least, for a lot of women it’s just plain gross.
All of that said, I don’t believe the Word of God tells us one way or the other whether oral sex is OK in marriage. I’ve come to the conclusion that this is an individual matter of conscience. I’ve also seen in my own life that there is great freedom sexually in a marriage that has a foundation of love and respect. Because I know my husband wants to please me sexually, I find it easy to respond to him. I’m also open to new things. But we both give each other the freedom to say no to new things.
Whatever we do in the bedroom, we agree on it. And yes, we talk about it. If this is difficult for you, ask God to give you the courage to open up to your spouse, with kindness. Talk to your husband about oral sex, honestly and without judgment. The conversation might go something like this: “I don’t feel good about oral sex. To me, this is something that dishonors God and is also degrading to me personally. I see it as sin. “I’m not judging you. But I hope you will understand and respect this.”
I pray that your husband receives this with a soft heart, and that this conversation opens a dialogue about sex that draws the two of you closer.
Mrs. Happy has been married to one man for a long time.