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    Let’s Talk About Sex: Not

    By Mrs. Happy

    Couple talking
    Couple talking

    How much should you talk about sex with your fiancé?

    [dropcap]N[/dropcap]ot much, if you’re trying to live a chaste life. Our brains don’t need much of an excuse to think about sex, especially when we’re not having any. So any detailed conversation about sex with your fiancé can easily lead to arousal. In fact, if he is alive and breathing and pumping red blood cells, the conversation is leading to arousal. Might as well just admit it.

    There is no need before marriage to discuss specific sexual practices, techniques, likes and dislikes (since many of us already have these because of an ungodly past), first and last experiences, and so on. You’re asking for trouble if you talk about these things. You will have buckets of time to do laboratory research and discuss your findings after you’re married.

    Should you talk about sex at all? Yes, a little. Mrs. Happy confesses that she has this urge, in fact, to fling open the door in every couple’s premarital counseling session and smack this paper down on the coffee table, along with two pens and a notary stamp for handy signing:

    “We, the undersigned engaged man and woman, do hereby acknowledge the following statements in the presence of God, our pastor, and each other:

    “I do not know anything about making love to my wife.

    “I do not know anything about making love to my husband.

    “In summary: We don’t know nothin’.

    “Whatever we have experienced sexually up to this point does not apply to our mate. It might have worked on someone else [though your girlfriend was fakin’ it, Mrs. Happy quickly interjects], but it won’t work on you. We are starting over with sex.

    “I will go into this marriage with a desire to please you. I will honor you by learning sexual skills through practice, practice, practice that are unique to your desires.

    “I will set aside my ego and talk to you (and not my buddies) about any challenges we encounter. I will also pray, knowing that our marriage is lived out before God.

    “If I discover that I am in need of healing and/or deliverance because of past hurts or sin strongholds, I will seek this earnestly and responsibly.

    “I will respect your sex drive, and if I am going into this marriage knowing that I am not physically or emotionally capable of having sex with you regularly, I will make that clear now. Then we will consider our options together.

    “I will not push you to engage in sexual practices that violate your conscience. At the same time, I respectfully ask you, my beloved, to try a few new things every now and then. Y’know, in the interest of continuing adult education and all.

    “At all times I will seek to show mercy to you. I realize that sex is a gift of God, and I will treat our sexual relationship with reverence and respect. I’m with you, come what may.

    “I can’t wait to go on the journey of sexual discovery with you. But until that time when we are legally married, we will demonstrate our fear of God by maintaining a chaste lifestyle and not talking about sex in depth with each other.”

    So many sexual problems would be nipped in the bud if we agreed on these simple things and discussed any pressing issues right then and there.

    Maybe you’ve already fallen into bad sexual habits in marriage—just remember that you can start afresh today. These same principles will foster a fulfilling relationship whether you’ve been married four days or forty years.

    Mrs. Happy has been married to one man for a long time.

    Mrs Happy
    Mrs Happy
    has been counseling married couples for years.

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    7 COMMENTS

    1. :-* Good points made. How in depth is in depth? Asking about certain past habits would that be considered to in-depth

    2. I am 100% percent with you on this Mrs Happy! An old class mate of mine had a project in my city and we connected and started talking a lot. We were just friends but by talking on a daily basis, we grew closer. At one point we started talking about sex and how to please a spouse. Although we ended up laughing about it after most discussions, I knew in my heart that I wanted him to try what he was describing but I kept pushing the thought away. A month later, our flesh finally gave way as we found ourselves in bed displaying what we had talked about. Although I repented afterwards and his project ended not too long after that, I do not know if I can be in the same room alone with him and not fall into temptation. What did I learn from this? Do not start a conversation about what you cannot legitimately finish.

    3. I do not know if we are being realistic by not sampling before marriage. Sex is a big part of it for me and I do not want to find I ended up with the wrong guy after taking our marital vows. My question is how do I know I am not making a bad choice in this regard?

    4. What of the case of the man who abstained from intimacy with his fiancee until they went on honeymoon and then he saw her nude for the first time and discovered she used to be a man in the process of becoming a woman. 😳 🙁 😥 😡 😮 😮 😮

    5. Anonymous #4, is this a real case or is this something you heard from someone else who heard it from someone else who heard it from someone else? A marriage between believers should be forged in the context of a spiritual community, where each person is known by and accountable to church leadership. A scenario such as the one you describe would not happen in this context, because someone would know about the person’s past.

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