By Mrs. Happy
[dropcap]M[/dropcap]y husband says he doesn’t look at pornography anymore, but he keeps pushing me to do things in the bedroom that I feel like he got from porn. Not only do some of things he asks me to do seem disrespectful and degrading, but I feel like an object—or a substitute for a porn actress—instead of his wife. I should be enjoying sex, but instead I feel gross. I know that I’m not supposed to deprive my husband of sex, but why can’t we just have normal relations?
Mrs. Happy wonders if this generation of believers can even imagine what life was like before everyone in the world had ready access to pornography. Our perceptions of sex and marriage are so darkened by polluted influences—from music to movies to porn—that we’ve utterly lost touch with God’s intentions. Do we even have any idea what purity is? Does the goal of pleasing God in every way—in thought and deed, in public and in private—just seem like a bunch of old-fashioned nonsense these days?
It seems as though believers—even responsible church leaders with national platforms—are stuck on asking an adolescent question concerning sex: “What can I get away with?” The better question, godly men and women, is “How can I live a life that shows reverence for God as well as honor, respect, and consideration for my spouse, even in the bedroom?” Ask yourself that question, and the sexual landscape becomes instantly clearer:
Will I push my wife or husband to do something that feels degrading to them? No way.
Will I allow our sex life to devolve into practices that only provide satisfaction to one partner because I’m too selfish to please my spouse? Nope. I’m gonna slow down, maybe even put my own needs on the back shelf, and realize that sex isn’t just about me.
Will I resort to porn and sex props to put a spark in my stale marriage? No—I’ll ask the tougher question of how things got this way in the first place.
Mrs. Happy just wishes she could wipe away the scum that’s accumulated from the last decade and a half of this continual barrage of sick sexual inputs. Maybe then we could see ourselves clearly again—and discern the “more excellent way,” to use the Apostle Paul’s words.
In a marriage damaged by porn, it can be tough to find the more excellent way. Breaking free from porn is usually a process, and the innocent spouse will have to extend grace every step of the way—with his or her trust rooted fully in God, not in the other person.
No husband or wife, however, is required to submit to sex acts that he or she considers degrading, and it is a distinctly unloving act to push one’s spouse to do this. You will have to discuss boundary lines with your spouse, reassuring him that you want to have sex with him, but in a way that isn’t a total turnoff to you. Suggest an alternative—and show you’re serious by initiating it.
I know this can really be tough when you’ve been burned by your husband’s pornography use, but take this little step of faith. You’ll be surprised by how God meets you right when you take that step and blesses even your smallest efforts to get past fear.
In all that Mrs. Happy has said here, she presumes that your husband is making a genuine effort to break free from pornography. You’ll know he’s serious when he welcomes accountability from brothers who care enough about him to ask the tough questions. But the two of you will need more than one safeguard. With his knowledge and assent, install a program on his phone and computer that tracks his search history. Brothers who’ve truly repented won’t have a problem with this.
Be patient as God restores and renews your husband’s mind. Every day, ask for a merciful heart. Don’t be afraid to ask God for courage to have sex with your husband. Sometimes that’s what it takes when you’re between obedience to God’s Word—i.e., not depriving your husband of sex—and getting to a place where you trust him enough to enjoy it again (or enjoy it for the first time, whatever the case may be). Along the way, expect to communicate with your husband about sex. A husband might not be aware that certain sexual practices are a huge turnoff to his wife—plus, he’s immersed himself in the lies of pornography that say women enjoy pain, disrespect, and just basically bad sex. It’s going to take time for him to get out of the adolescent mindset and build a sexual relationship based on love.
You will probably need a sister to walk beside you in this journey. Make sure she’s in a solid marriage herself and derives her counsel from the Word of God—not her own disappointments.
Mrs. Happy has been married to one man for a long time.
2 Comments
I can relate and feel this woman’s pain. My husband suddenly began touching and rubbing the back of my feet during intimacy. He has done it three times now and am suspecting he is seeing someone else or watching something he has no business watching. How do I know for sure Ms. happy?
As a man there are some things your wife should do to make you happy. Many women including my wife dont. Just lying like a log and waiting for me to do the work is unacceptable. I am tried of telling her what to do and watching her do nothing. Her action is almost driving me outside.