At one time or another in our lives many of us have been teased, made fun of, laughed at, or verbally or emotionally tormented by someone else with whom we were associated. If you have ever experienced any or all of these things I am sure, like me, you have never forgotten how it feels. Bullying occurs when one person or group of persons treats you as less than the amazing individual God created you to be.

Sadly, this form of abusive behavior occurs each and every day in our schools. Bullying is about someone recognizing you are vulnerable and using their power and influence to take advantage of your weakness.

I once heard someone say, “Hurting people hurt people.” If we want to stop bullying, we have to first address the heart of the problem behind the action. It often comes down to two common denominators: insecurity in oneself or jealousy toward another. By making another person feel small, the bully feels bigger. Sometimes, because the bully feels inwardly small, they act outwardly big and attack the person who they feel most presents a threat to them.

Bullying crosses all demographic, socioeconomic, spiritual, racial, and cultural lines.  As school kicks off for another year, bullies will enter the halls, and other students will become their prey. So, what can we do about this problem, and how do we help our kids survive it and deal with it when they become the victim of the abuse?

“Preventing and stopping bullying involves a commitment to creating a safe environment where students can thrive socially, emotionally, academically, and spiritually, without being afraid,” shares Brenda Huckins, Director of Community Care at Covenant Christian Academy in Colleyville, Texas.

Bullying must be taken seriously by teachers, administrators, parents, and students. Students need to be aware of what is happening around them and understand that telling is not tattling. It is just as important for parents, teachers, and administrators to intervene quickly. The longer the abuser is allowed to abuse, the deeper the wounds that are inflicted, and the longer it takes for healing to take place.

Students and parents both need to be a part of the solution and involved in safety teams and anti-bullying efforts. Parents, teachers, and school administrators can help students engage in positive behavior by giving students strong relational skills and intervening when bullying occurs.

Ms. Hackins says implementing Advising Groups within a school helps schools be proactive in addressing bullying rather than reactive. “At Covenant Christian Academy, we create Advising Groups, which are safe places for students to dialogue with an adult advisor about what the characteristics of Christ-like behavior look like and how to walk them out in their daily lives,” she adds.

It is important for schools and classrooms to offer students a “safe” learning environment. Students need to be reminded by their teachers and coaches that bullying is not acceptable, and such behaviors do and will have consequences.

Unfortunately, students may not always speak up when they are bullied. Parents should look for signs that suggest bullying may be happening. Some signs to be aware of include: fear about going to school, a sudden change in appetite, recurrent nightmares, lower grades, crying easily, or any sudden change in behavior including increased anxiety.

When Your Child Is Being Bullied: What Parents Need to Know

At one time or another, many of us have been teased, mocked, excluded or humiliated by someone else. If you have experienced it, you may still remember exactly how it made you feel.

For a child who faces that treatment repeatedly, the emotional impact can be profound.

Bullying is more than an occasional disagreement, an unkind remark or a conflict between children. It involves aggressive behavior in which there is a real or perceived imbalance of power, and the behavior is repeated or has the potential to be repeated.

For parents, discovering that your child is being bullied can bring anger, fear and helplessness. You may want to tell your child to ignore it, fight back or simply stay away from the person responsible.

But your child needs something more important first: to know that you believe them and that they do not have to face the situation alone.

Listen Before You Try to Fix It

If your child tells you about bullying, take the disclosure seriously.

Resist the temptation to immediately tell them what they should have done differently. Instead, ask open-ended questions. What happened? How long has it been happening? Where does it usually occur? Who was there? Has anyone else seen it? How does your child feel about going back to school?

Most importantly, reassure your child that being bullied is not their fault.

Home should be a place where children know they can talk about difficult experiences without being blamed, dismissed or embarrassed. Your reaction can influence whether they continue telling you what is happening.

Watch for Signs Your Child May Not Tell You About

Not every child will say, “I’m being bullied.”

Some are embarrassed. Others fear retaliation or worry that involving adults will make things worse. A child may even believe that admitting what is happening makes them appear weak.

Parents should therefore pay attention to unexplained changes in behavior.

A child who suddenly resists going to school, loses interest in friends or activities, experiences unexplained injuries, has difficulty sleeping, begins performing poorly academically or seems unusually anxious or withdrawn may be struggling with something that deserves attention.

Those signs do not automatically mean bullying is occurring, but they are reasons to start a conversation.

Cyberbullying Has Changed the Landscape

Bullying no longer ends when a child leaves school.

Phones, messaging apps, social media, gaming platforms and other online spaces can allow harassment to follow a young person home. Hurtful messages, rumors, embarrassing photographs, impersonation and deliberate exclusion can spread quickly and sometimes reach a much larger audience than traditional schoolyard bullying.

Parents should know which platforms and apps their children use and establish age-appropriate expectations for online behavior and privacy.

If cyberbullying occurs, encourage your child not to retaliate. Save screenshots, messages and other evidence before blocking accounts or deleting content. Depending on what happened, report the behavior to the platform and the school. Threats, stalking, sexual exploitation or other potentially criminal behavior may require law-enforcement involvement.

Monitoring should not mean that every child must live under constant surveillance. The goal is to create enough trust that your child will come to you when something online feels threatening or wrong.

Schools Have a Responsibility Too

Bullying should not be dismissed as simply part of growing up.

“Preventing and stopping bullying involves a commitment to creating a safe environment where students can thrive socially, emotionally, academically and spiritually, without being afraid,” says Brenda Huckins, Director of Community Care at Covenant Christian Academy in Colleyville, Texas.

Parents, teachers and administrators should work together when bullying occurs. Document incidents, including dates, locations, witnesses and what happened. Ask the school what steps will be taken and follow up if the problem continues.

Children should also understand an important distinction: reporting bullying is not tattling.

Speaking up when someone is being repeatedly harmed, threatened or humiliated is not about getting another child into trouble. It is about getting help.

What About the Child Who Is Doing the Bullying?

We often hear the phrase, “Hurting people hurt people.”

Sometimes that may be true. A child who bullies others may be struggling with problems of their own. But we should be careful not to assume that every child who bullies is secretly insecure, jealous or hurting.

The reasons can vary.

Understanding what is driving the behavior can be important, but understanding it does not mean excusing it. Children who bully need clear boundaries, appropriate consequences and adults willing to help them change their behavior.

This is where parents and schools have an opportunity to teach something deeper than rule compliance.

“It is possible to modify a student’s behavior through lots of rules and regulations, but it is also important to transform their hearts through teaching and modeling for them the behavior of Christ,” Huckins explains.

For Christian families and schools, that means teaching children that faith should influence how they treat people who are different, vulnerable, unpopular or unable to defend themselves.

Compassion matters, but so does accountability.

Help Your Child Recover Emotionally

Stopping the bullying is only part of the response. Parents should also pay attention to what the experience has done to the child.

Repeated humiliation or intimidation can affect confidence, friendships, school performance and emotional wellbeing. Some children may become anxious or withdrawn. Others may become angry or begin believing the cruel things said about them.

Keep talking. Remind your child that another person’s behavior does not determine their worth. Help them maintain healthy friendships and activities where they feel accepted and capable. A school counselor or qualified mental-health professional can provide additional support when bullying is significantly affecting a child’s emotional well-being or daily life.

Faith can also be a source of comfort for Christian families. Children need to hear that popularity, appearance, athletic ability, social status, or another child’s opinion does not define their value. Their worth runs much deeper.

When Bullying Becomes a Mental Health Crisis

There are times when bullying requires immediate attention beyond the school.

If a child talks about wanting to die, harming themselves, feeling that everyone would be better without them, or having no reason to live, take those statements seriously. Do not assume they are merely seeking attention.

In the United States, parents and young people can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. If a child appears to be in immediate danger, contact emergency services.

Seeking professional help is not an overreaction when a child’s safety is at stake.

Parents Cannot Afford to Look Away

Bullying crosses racial, cultural, economic, and religious boundaries. It can happen in public schools, private schools, Christian schools, neighborhoods, sports teams, and online communities.

Adults cannot prevent every cruel interaction between children, but can determine what happens when they discover that a child is being repeatedly harmed.

Listen. Believe them. Document what is happening. Involve the appropriate adults and continue following up until the situation improves. If bullying begins to affect your child’s emotional well-being, seek professional help.

And if your own child is the one doing the bullying, resist the instinct to minimize or defend the behavior simply because you love them. Loving a child also means correcting behavior that harms someone else.

“Hurting people hurt people” may sometimes help us understand the person behind the behavior. But understanding should never become an excuse for allowing the behavior to continue.

Children on both sides need adults willing to intervene.

For Christians, there is an additional responsibility. We cannot teach children about the love of Christ while ignoring cruelty happening directly in front of them. Our faith should be visible in how we defend the vulnerable, correct harmful behavior and teach our children to recognize the dignity and worth of other people.

Sometimes changing a culture begins with something as simple as refusing to look the other way.

Raschelle Loudenslager is a freelance writer based in Dallas, Texas.