It is easy to scream “divorce” at your spouse in the heat of anger. Going through one is another matter entirely.
When a marriage becomes painful, divorce can feel like the quickest way to end the frustration. Sometimes it is necessary, particularly in situations involving domestic violence, abuse, or threats to someone’s physical or emotional well-being. No one should remain in an unsafe marriage simply to say they stayed married.
Yet not every troubled marriage needs to end. Sometimes a marriage is not over. It is simply buried beneath hurt, pride, poor communication, and too many outside voices. Before walking away, it’s wise to become still enough to ask God for clarity, rather than making a permanent decision from a temporary place of pain.
Maria and Roberto learned this lesson after spending $23,000 trying to end a marriage neither of them actually wanted to leave.
When Too Many People Enter a Marriage
Maria and Roberto dated for two years, were married for seven, and had a six-year-old child. Like most couples, they had problems. Unfortunately, instead of working through those problems together, they developed a habit that slowly damaged their relationship: they talked to other people more than they talked to each other.
Maria had her advisers. Roberto had his. Whenever something went wrong, someone outside the marriage heard about it. Friends offered opinions, took sides, reinforced grievances, and helped turn marital problems into something much bigger.
There is nothing wrong with seeking help. Scripture reminds us that wisdom comes from good counsel, and the right marriage counselor, therapist, pastor, or trusted mentor can help a struggling couple see what they may not, see for themselves. The danger comes when advice becomes interference and people who are emotionally invested in taking sides become unofficial decision-makers in a relationship they do not have to live in.
Eventually, Roberto filed for divorce.
Maria responded by hiring an experienced family law attorney who charged $300 an hour. When Roberto received her countersuit, he replaced his attorney with someone he believed would fight more aggressively.
The battle lines were drawn.
Somewhere along the way, the question stopped being, “Can we save our marriage?” and became, “Who is going to win?” Their six-year-old child was caught in the middle while two wounded adults fought for control.
When Divorce Becomes a War
Their first court hearing was painful and humiliating. Friends took sides. Accusations were made. Private matters became public. One family friend who had encouraged Maria to leave Roberto even sided with Roberto, leaving Maria stunned.
Temporary orders were issued. Maria had their son, Roberto had the house, and both walked away carrying even more resentment.
The second hearing was worse. By then, their marriage had become a legal case to argue rather than a relationship to understand. Personal wounds were exposed before strangers while both sides fought to strengthen their positions.
Maria received much of what she had sought from the court, but she did not leave feeling victorious. She felt empty.
The attorneys would eventually go home to their own families. Friends who had taken sides would return to their lives. Spectators would forget the courtroom drama. Maria and Roberto would have to live with what remained.
The Phone Call That Changed Everything
A few days later, reality finally settled in.
Maria stopped thinking about winning and started thinking about what she actually wanted. She still loved her husband. More importantly, when she became quiet enough to examine her own heart before God, she began to see how pride, anger, outside opinions, and poor communication had influenced her decisions.
Instead of asking God to change Roberto, Maria began by confronting what needed to change in herself.
She let go of some of the bitterness she had been carrying and summoned the courage to call him.
Roberto answered, and to Maria’s surprise, he was happy to hear from her. Even more surprising, he admitted that he had been wrestling with many of the same feelings.
For the first time in a long time, they spoke directly to each other instead of communicating through friends, relatives, and attorneys.
That conversation changed the direction of their marriage.
They Spent $23,000 on a Divorce Neither Wanted
Together, Maria and Roberto had spent approximately $23,000 trying to end their marriage. Then they finally admitted the truth: neither of them wanted the divorce.
As they traced where things had gone wrong, they realized their marriage had become overcrowded. They had stopped talking to each other and started talking about each other. Pride had replaced vulnerability, and winning had become more important than understanding.
So they changed course.
They ended the divorce proceedings, established stronger boundaries around their marriage, and became far more careful about who had access to their private struggles. They chose forgiveness and began the harder work of repairing what they had damaged.
Trust did not return overnight. Old habits had to change and hurt had to be addressed. This time, however, they were working on the same side.
Not Everyone Deserves a Vote in Your Marriage
Maria and Roberto’s experience does not mean couples should keep serious marital problems secret. Sometimes outside help is exactly what a marriage needs.
The important question is where that help comes from.
A qualified marriage counselor, therapist, pastor, or mature and impartial adviser can help couples navigate problems they cannot resolve alone. That is very different from surrounding yourself with people who automatically take your side, reinforce your anger, and tell you what you want to hear.
Someone can love you deeply and still give you terrible marriage advice.
Your friends will not divide your assets, share custody of your children, pay your legal bills, or live with the consequences of your decisions. Seek wisdom, but be careful whose voice you allow to become louder than your spouse’s.
Sometimes Divorce Is Necessary
This conversation has another side that should never be ignored.
Maria and Roberto’s reconciliation should not be used to pressure someone experiencing domestic violence, abuse, coercive control, or serious threats to remain in danger. Safety comes first. Nor can one spouse single-handedly save a marriage while the other refuses accountability or continues destructive behavior.
That distinction matters.
Before You Make a Permanent Decision
Today, Maria and Roberto are best friends. Their marriage survived, not because prayer magically erased their problems, but because they finally stopped fighting each other long enough to confront what was destroying them.
They learned to communicate directly, establish healthier boundaries, prioritize their child, choose forgiveness, and place God back at the center of their marriage. They discovered that sometimes the marriage itself is not what needs to end. What needs to end are the patterns that are slowly destroying it.
Their story does not prove that every marriage can or should be saved. It offers a more personal lesson: don’t let anger, pride, pain, or other people’s opinions make a life-changing decision for you.
Get wise help. Have the conversation you have been avoiding. Be honest about what needs to change, including what may need to change in you.
Then ask yourself the question Maria and Roberto waited $23,000 too long to ask:
Do I really want a divorce, or do I desperately want my marriage to change?
May Oyairo is the Publisher of MannaXPRESS.
