Address Your Past Trauma Before It Sabotages Your Marriage

Richard and Suzann met and married when they were in their late-20s. It was an unlikely union because they came from completely different backgrounds. Their marriage was a good one, but it could have been better if they had understood the impact of how Suzann’s past trauma would impact their current marital relationship. Let me tell you their stories.

Richard’s family was fairly wealthy. His father was an attorney and his mother did not work. Richard attended private schools. His mother was nurturing and his father gave his family his undivided attention when his schedule would allow. They had a pool and a hot-tub in the backyard where many fond memories were made. Richard grew up knowing that he was loved by both parents. He later became an attorney.  

Suzann’s parents divorced when she was 3. She had 2 older brothers who lived with their father, while she lived with her mother after the divorce.  Her mother was a drug addict and did not protect her daughter from the effects of her lifestyle. She entertained her friends outside of her apartment in the  pool and hot-tub area.  Suzann frequently wandered around out by the pool unsupervised by her mother. She was sexually abused in the hot-tub by one of her mother’s drug friends. Her mother was too high to know what happened to her daughter. Suzann cried herself to sleep that night and many nights after that.

Suzann was 7 when her father took custody of her. He smoked a little weed, but he did his best to protect and provide for the family. Suzann’s brother’s both sexually violated her in the backyard hot-tub while their father was working. They did this repeatedly and made Suzann keep their secret. There were many nights that Suzann cried herself to sleep.

When she was older Suzann became a well-respected teen therapist in her community. She met Richard while they were collaborating on a child abuse case. They were married that year. They had a wonderful, mutually supportive relationship.

After they were married, Suzann went out of town for a month to gain a higher certification for her practice. Richard wanted to do something to surprise her when she returned. The best thing that he could think of was to install a pool and hot-tub in their back yard. Richard was extremely excited and talked about the surprise all the way home from the airport.

Richard covered her eyes and walked Suzann to the backyard. His excitement peaked when he took his hands away and she opened her eyes.  Suzann was horrified. She felt betrayed and burst into tears. She screamed and lashed out at him with her fists. Over 20 years of pent up trauma and rage were released on Richard that afternoon. He was horrified and could not understand what he had done.

Knowing her background, Suzann’s response to past trauma in her current marital relationship is very reasonable. Without a clue, Richard triggered the pain of the many past traumas she had endured.  Nothing in her mind could relate a hot-tub to family fun and fond memories.  She was traumatized again.  This time it was by someone that she loved and trusted to protect her.

The hot-tub story is one of many things that can happen in a marital relationship to trigger pain from the past. One partner is clueless and does something that triggers a sensitive issue from the past. The other partner explodes.  Very often the traumatized partner does not consciously remember the original trauma, but at the subconscious level the pain is very real. The reaction is always disproportionately larger than the trigger. A fight usually ensues, and a breach in the marital relationship starts at that point. Neither partner could have predicted the impact of past trauma on their current marital relationship.

There is no way of predicting how issues of past trauma will impact a current marital relationship.  In reality each partner brings baggage into their marriage from past trauma. The best response to the impact of the trauma response in the marriage is to take the time to discuss and understand what just happened. It is easier to lash out and retaliate when one partner reacts with a trauma response. Understanding takes a little more time. Without behavioral adjustments based on understanding, the trauma will be triggered repeatedly, the fights will flare up, and the depth of mutual love they once had will be overshadowed by animosity, anger, and pain. The impact of this trauma on the marriage could be that the marriage will end because of a misunderstanding.  

If you find yourself in an overwhelming marital situation and can’t understand where the discord came from, let’s connect. I am here to support you in understanding the impact that past trauma is having on your marriage today and help you find your way back to martial satisfaction. 

Lindy Diffenbaugh is a Mental Health Therapist and Life Coach by Profession. She has worked in the mental health field for over17-years counseling and coaching men and women, boys and girls as well as teenagers. For a private consult, you can contact her on her private number at 904-463-0930.